Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Is poverty necessary?
Is poverty necessary? I think that, nobody wants to be poor and of course everybody wants to live comfortable but world has an equilibrium. While somebody is poor, somebody is rich and equilibrium of world is protected like this. If everybody is rich enough, nobody wants to work. For instance, I didn't see a person who is happy while he or she works. Hovewer, people work in order to be necessary especially, poor people work much more than the other people in order to earn money and meet their needs. This is increased workforce. In additions, it is positively correlected with development. Therefore,unfortunately while some people are rich, some people must be poor.
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3 comments:
My topic sentence is "While somebody is poor, somebody is rich and equilibrium of world is protected like this." It isn't first sentence in paragraph and it might be better.
In my writing, there aren't incomplete sentences and writing isn't too general and too specific.
There is one example in order to support my opinion also it has concluding sentence.
Your paragraph is quite well-structured according to the criteria we discussed. The weakness is an oversimplification of ideas. For example, you cannot prove that "nobody is happy while he or she works". This cannot possible be true in all cases and is therefore easily disproven. I would like to see some specific examples of how a strong labour force is "positively (correlated) with development", as this is a promising statement but not really supported.
ı think this paragraph can improve better because this paragraph has supportable sentences.
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