I am convinced that poor people are the ones who made rich people, and rich people are the ones who made the first civilizations. In the early settlements, the inequality between people increased so much that the strong ones had enough power and comfort to own and to work people. So a new class called labour has been developed by the means of the rich class, and by coursety of the labour force civilizations have developed. That’s a fact that no one can deny. But when we think of the other fact that every day about 25,000 people die because of poverty, this hurts…They may be the reason of the civilization, but they are at the same time victims of the civilization.So this pushes us to question their existences necessity. If poverty didn’t exist, I really can’t imagine in what conditions we would live, but we certainly wouldn’t have the same opportunities and comfort like today. İs it worth thousands of people’s lost every single day? That’s a relative subject, but I prefer living equally, in order to have all the gadgets (except my i-pod, cell phone, laptop and television =))
Monday, November 5, 2007
Is Poverty Necessary??
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4 comments:
my topic sentence: "poor people are both the reason and the victim of the poverty"
it is stated clearly and it's proven by numbers. The conclusion may not be strong enough beceause there is a conflict.So it has some mistakes in itself.
Topic sentence: "poor people are both the reason and the victim of the poverty" this paragraph is understandable..it includes strong supporting ideas. the last sentences is really interesting (except my i-pod, cell phone, laptop and television)
Your first sentence is vague, as the reader does not know what you mean by "made rich people." There is no topic sentence at the beginning of the paragraph. Throughout the rest of your paragraph, you mix up your ideas to the point that the reader doesn't know if you think poverty is necessary or not. Furthermore, you use a lot of informal language that does not belong in academic writing. =)) in particular does not belong here. At the end, you seem to dismiss the suffering you've referred to in favour of your own comforts, like your laptop. This seems to undermine the whole argument.
Your first sentence is vague, as the reader does not know what you mean by "made rich people." There is no topic sentence at the beginning of the paragraph. Throughout the rest of your paragraph, you mix up your ideas to the point that the reader doesn't know if you think poverty is necessary or not. Furthermore, you use a lot of informal language that does not belong in academic writing. =)) in particular does not belong here. At the end, you seem to dismiss the suffering you've referred to in favour of your own comforts, like your laptop. This seems to undermine the whole argument.
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