In poor countries people cannot find job to work. For that reason unemployment ratio is very high. Even if they can find job they are gaining few money. Big companies establish factories in poor countries. Thus they can find workers, who work much cheeper than their own countries worker. This is the reason why they gain little money despite they work harder. Big companies exploit their poverty. For big companies poverty is necessary. They are producing more, spending few and gain more. In Africa, the African people work in mines. They are mining to find diamond. They are gaining only $1 dollar per day, but people, who own jewellery company or something like that, gains much than $1 dollar in a minute. This is the current system, that we live in. Even if we like it or don't like it, we are the part of this system. Poor people produce, we spend money to buy, and someone gain through this system. Poverty is one of the reason, why underdevelop socities still on the world. They have meagre social services. They have no medicines. In this world people still starving. Still there are people who cannot find something to eat, don't have somewhere to live. Person who said, "poverty is necessary" is against to the healthy and peaceful world.
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7 comments:
I think that this paragraph begins with an different approach, by looking the poverty through the rich people's points of vies. Threfore it is really affective way of writing about this issue. The other vital point of this paragraph is the writer has used examples (Africa, America) in order to give concrete details and prove what he supports in his paragraph. One deficiency that I got from this paragraph is he did not write a topic sentence in his writing about if poverty is necessay or not. He gives so many examples that they can support the idea that poverty exists in our world but there is no statement in order to extend the writing on the real question.
I want to say that there is no topic sentence but there are lots of examples and details about poverty. He mentioned about the gain of the poor people and how rich people earn money on poor people. Basicly he did't answer the question which is "is poverty necessery?". He just said that poverty is necessery for rich people. The paragraph is so clear but it does not reflect the answer exactly which is "is poverty necessery?".
maybe you did some mistakes but doesn't matter for me. because i see that you wrote this paragraph very sincerely with both your logic and feelings.
I could not identify the topic sentence in this paragraph. Actually the topic is "Is poverty necessary?" but in some points writer of this paragraph missed the main topic. There are some missing points in paragraph, but supporting ideas are well done with examples.
The student didn't explain poverty is necessary or un necessary.He constantly gave examples about countries and their economic development or produvtivity. He compared poor people and rich people.I didn't find a good topic sentence in the other ways I didn't find a main idea.Because topic sentence is main idea.
With these comments, i realise that, i haven't got any clear topic sentence. I tried to tell my opinion with examples.
topic sentence is not related to what he wants to tell..on the other hand his examples not enough to explain the main idea..and of course coclusion part is not connective to hall paraghraf..basicly, his begins not true and becouse of this; his paragrafh is not good example to acedemic one..
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