I don’t think, believe etc that poverty is necessary. Being poor is not a crime. The criminals are imperialists, emperors and moneybags’. In this old world some people are taking decisions for future of the world at their very expensive stately homes. But at the same time people are dying because of starve. By the way most of the others are applauding those people seems like cares about the world. But they only care about their wallets. That’s why the most dangerous nuclear bomb ‘’capitalism’’ is so legal. Millions of people are dying because of inequality. The resource of inequality is again ‘’capitalism’’. They changed people into zombies. Who don’t ask, who don’t think. They created their own god from money, wickedness and greed by forgetting that the only creator is ''God''.
Like I wrote at first paragraph; they changed people into zombies. Not long ago people were more faithful. By the way their memories were better. Now they can’t remember their prideful pasts. They were the people who proved that it was really excellent to live in peace. They only battled for their independence, honor and state. They were the people who were battling with K. Atatürk, V. Lenin, E. Guevara, F. Castro and the others. Of course there are still so many people like them. I am sure that it will be more. But so many can’t remember them too.
Big brothers showed like there is no reason to being poor. They claimed that people are born equal; people can change their destinies etc… They visited children who are very poor and hungry and dying. They seemed like they are sad and caring about those poor. They only wanted to known as ‘’innocents’’.
It is not fair and necessary to drink tea for getting warmer at the broken sofa, that your father died on, in a cold Sunday and in a cold home. The only necessary thing is changing the world. We will!
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5 comments:
It is very interesting writing because there are strong descriptions. It gets one's attention very well.It also helps to approach more humanely to inequality. There are also examples. However, it is too general and there aren't understandable supporting ideas.He only criticized rich people and this writing isn't a paragraph it is like an essay.
it won't be right to choose a topic sentence because i did not write a paragraph. but i think i wrote a nice conclusion sentence.
thank you elvan for your polite comments, you are right it's too general, but it would be an article if i wanted to be spesific.
by the way i never critise people of being rich or poor. i wrote about ways of being rich. i have respect to rich people if they are rich by legal ways.
Your topic sentence is in the wrong register: "think, believe etc" is inappropriate in academic writing. You should include a controlling idea that will explain why you find poverty unnecessary. The rest of the post is highly inappropriate in academic writing, which avoids accusative statements and overdramatic language. Academic writing is cautious and backs up all assertions with solid examples and facts. This reads more like a political manifesto and certainly would not be taken seriously by any educated person.
You need to pay careful attention to the assignment instructions and to observe the conventions of academic writing.
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