at first sight ''poverty'' word is not good. nobody wants to be a poor but there is a situation that people dont want to see. there should be poor people in the world so there can be rich ones and also there should be rich peole so there can be poor ones. it is a vicious circle that i dont like.but unfortunately it is a must.if each person can be rich, there will be no problem in the life. this means that all of the people can live very comfortable but it is not possible in this world. on the other hand we cant think a life that everyone is rich, therefore there is a meaningful circular reasoning. poor person are very important for rich also they are important for poor. if we can create a world that all people are rich an happy then no problem but we dont have a chance to do is so poverty is neccesary
B.Ulaş
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6 comments:
The paragraph is giving important reasons to support the idea. There are about three sentences which is supporting the topic sentence. Supporting sentences are generally about the facts. Maybe, at least one example would be better to be more supporting; but in my opinion that is enough. Last sentence is concluding sentence. I t summarizes the paragraph and here it is:” if we can create a world that all people are rich and happy then no problem but we do not have a chance to do is so poverty is necessary”. Finally, I can say that this is interesting to me. I did not get bored while reading this paragraph.
I don't think there is anything unnecessary or off topic. Everything is relevant. There is a concluding sentence and the signal for it is "if". The best feature about this paragraph is there are 2-3 supporting ideas and they are explained.
my blog entry about ''is povery neccesary'' is short but i think i told the main idea clearly and my topic sentence is good with the supporting ideas
my blog entry about ''is povery neccesary'' is short but i think i told the main idea clearly and my topic sentence is good with the supporting ideas
I think this paragraph is not interesting because writer repeat things so much and it is boring. I could understand everything about this paragraph because it does not include any specific information. In addition it hasn't supporting details ( facts, examples, quotations, statistics, etc) .
Look again at your first sentence -the grammar and punctuation as well as the vagueness of "is not good" do not create interest for the reader. "Poor" is an adjective, so "a poor" is not correct. What is the situation that people don't want to see? The reader has no idea. You haven't explained how the "vicious circle" has come about. You make a lot of generalizations that offer nothing to the reader, such as "it is not possible in this world." Why not, how, what evidence do you have to support your assertions? There is no argument in this paragraph, just vague and unsupported claims. Furthermore, the lack of punctuation is distracting for the reader.
I recommend spending more time reading the assignment instructions carefully, making notes from the class text and drafting your response before publishing it. This looks to me as if it was done in a hurry.
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